One More Year, One Less Dear

04062015 Last year I am 19, now 20. I cannot do a look back, not even a glance, so please do not expect me to reminisce and enumerate the things that have happened before I got to this age. Yesteryear was not easy, I almost thought that it was the hardest, until I heard you say goodbye. I hate that I am here in front of this dang machine trying to put all my bitterness in words on the day that is suppose to be celebrated. 

Questions, I have so many questions that I do not dare ask because the answers are just at the back of my mind, they are like grenades just waiting to be triggered to explode. I dare not acknowledge the fact that I collaborated with fate to process the end of our relationship. The truth is you were right (as always) it was I who sabotaged us, it was I who collected worse to worst, yes you can blame me- but no, not completely; this wasn't all on me. 

Should we also blame distance? Because for the minimal time we stopped being in the same place it seemed like monsters in the closet started haunting us, attacking first your loyalty, or should we blame confidence? Because I was too certain that none could come between us, I was too full of belief in what we have that I have forgotten that life is a bitch and that we can never be too certain on anything! Or would you like me to blame need? Because that became your frequent question after you had separated u s "Nasan ka nung kaylangan kita" Where were you when I needed you? I wanted to answer the question, but I cannot find the right words to explain where I was. What if we just blame Availability? She was available, and I was not. 

So here's to another year, and to that one less dear who have taken parts of me that I will never recover. I am more than changed, more than transformed, I am completely relapsed and it will take too long for me to be rebuilt.