The Real Score Please

You don't have to check his Facebook page, he no longer represents you so whatever he does it's on him and you're not accountable to anything he becomes after he left you. Don't text him, you really don't have to. It is pointless to talk about life with him since you guys should be dealing with life separately now. Don't update him about what is happening about you; the main reason he ended you're 3 years relationship should be because he no longer wants to have anything linked to you + he (should) no longer care. 

Stop finding magical reasons why he's suddenly interested to hangout, why he is suddenly affected that there are others who are interested about you, why he holds your hand and kissed you and hugged you tight, why he goes out with you and why he seem to be overly kind and caring once again, do not assume, do not think he wants to get back with you UNLESS he says so, unless he wants to commit again. There may be plenty of reasons but sometimes Love can be faked and you shouldn't entrust your happiness to him again. Remember he's the reason why you want to reinvent yourself. He broke you dear self. Remember that.

I know it feels so damn good that whenever you are together (alone, no audience ) he acts as if nothing has changed, but do not be fooled change is everywhere and if there is one thing that badly needs some progress; it is your journey towards loving yourself and letting him go. I am aware that you still haven't stop holding on to the idea of having him again, but it was long gone. The gods are working on a different stories for each of you now and I know you are not stupid to not spot on the fact that he still flirts around and that there is a 95 to 0% that he will be faithful again- so stop now dear self, let go of the knife that is  continuously stabbing your chance to life away. I know you will not listen. 

You are a stubborn bitch and you just won't listen, I know that dear self but try hard  and touch base with reality.  The sooner you accept it the lesser you get burned, you already have bruises and those are slowly healing, so stop and do not add some more tragedy to your no happy ending story. Stop resuscitating the drowned. I know you will not listen, you don't have to-at least not right away. You can never be on a dream for too long without realizing it's a nightmare. 

One More Year, One Less Dear

04062015 Last year I am 19, now 20. I cannot do a look back, not even a glance, so please do not expect me to reminisce and enumerate the things that have happened before I got to this age. Yesteryear was not easy, I almost thought that it was the hardest, until I heard you say goodbye. I hate that I am here in front of this dang machine trying to put all my bitterness in words on the day that is suppose to be celebrated. 

Questions, I have so many questions that I do not dare ask because the answers are just at the back of my mind, they are like grenades just waiting to be triggered to explode. I dare not acknowledge the fact that I collaborated with fate to process the end of our relationship. The truth is you were right (as always) it was I who sabotaged us, it was I who collected worse to worst, yes you can blame me- but no, not completely; this wasn't all on me. 

Should we also blame distance? Because for the minimal time we stopped being in the same place it seemed like monsters in the closet started haunting us, attacking first your loyalty, or should we blame confidence? Because I was too certain that none could come between us, I was too full of belief in what we have that I have forgotten that life is a bitch and that we can never be too certain on anything! Or would you like me to blame need? Because that became your frequent question after you had separated u s "Nasan ka nung kaylangan kita" Where were you when I needed you? I wanted to answer the question, but I cannot find the right words to explain where I was. What if we just blame Availability? She was available, and I was not. 

So here's to another year, and to that one less dear who have taken parts of me that I will never recover. I am more than changed, more than transformed, I am completely relapsed and it will take too long for me to be rebuilt.

Broken, but NOT Completely Wrecked.

       Stop asking if I have moved on, because you will just get disappointed if I give you an honest answer. I am no longer trying to move to a place where most people want me to, I have become almost friends with this monstrous pain I feel inside me, and I discovered that the more I try to forget, the more I remember. It is such an absurdity that the things I did to get better turned out to be the very reasons why I have not gotten there. 

      He is gone, and the sad thing is that he is not completely gone, he may have ceased to exist in my life. but I do know that he still is breathing in the same world where I am struggling to get by, the world that suffocates me, the world that kills me each time I hear his name. Why can't he be completely gone? Why did he have to exist in the first place? I fucking hate that things in life do not last, I hate that you have to be careful each time because you are not sure when life will decide to fuck you up again. 

     They say pain is inevitable, I say fuck pain! How many times will I have to break like this until I am completely wrecked? At night I sleep thinking that I am in so much pain and agony, then wake up realizing that I am still alive- not completely ruined because I still function. I am in so much fucking pain but it does not kill me! Now help me, and rate how fucked up is that? I want this to end, but I am tired of trying, so I'll just wait for the crow to feed on my dying but will not be dead soul.