A Cadaver. A letter From The Milky Way Galaxy

What’s the face of misery? 

I stand in a room full of beautiful things, and yet I feel no relief. Beautiful things don’t make me feel lovely— worse is, they make me want to break everything. How can I be in this wonderful place without the slightest hope to still wander?

Then suddenly it hits me. Is this how it’s like to be walking with an axe stabbed on my back? Heavy, and painful. Rain pouring- I realised. No, this is no longer a dream.  This is a nightmare coming to life.

It’s like receiving gifts during your funeral. I’d like for people to cry with me, not for me. The main reason I keep showing up with light in my face is so I won’t have to bother explaining why I wanted to black out.

I told her she’s my world— don’t get me wrong, she’s beautiful and with every glance at her is like a rush of infinite promise of comfort. 

I am just tired. I. Am. Fucking. Tired. I don’t need rest, in fact I need to keep on keeping up with the clock’s tick-tack. Tick-tack-tick-tack the clock says smack!

One slight tap and I’m going to go insane. Stop the universe. Mr. G says that the Sun and the entire solar system orbits around the center of the Milky Way galaxy. I feel like that galaxy. 

This is not the end; of my recollection of the things that exhausts me, not the end of everything that aches in me. Though it’s dragging and really fcking tiring— I will keep up. Coz my world is right here, in my arms. I will keep on keeping you. 

A cadaver. 

Please Show me Life isn't All Loneliness

As I stare on the blank space, waiting for words to be typed in- I remember how much pain I have been feeling so far. Dear God please help me, I have been mostly lonely.

I was once told by a fortune teller that my life will get better as I grow older. I have spent seven years after thinking if I have grown older enough. Each year just seems to be worse than the last and I can't almost picture a good life in the future.

I wondered as teardrops fall on my pillow. How come it gets harder to live? How come life gets even harder to live, and how come it's harder for me to breathe?

I am almost about to give up. If I ran off to some place no one can go to yet, will all of these pain still chase me?

I've been seeing a doctor more often, yet everytimeI do,  I feel even more sick.

It's a Happy Day!

Today I set sail in the ocean of my own salty tears. It is hope that fucks you up forever. I hate how much I tried to believe every word you say, all the things you make me believe in. I wonder how much evil there is in people to have the heart to break someone to the bones. I cannot fathom how much a person has break for him to wreck others even more. I seat here over the pile of pain I feel over a person who will not just let me let him go. I tried a number of times to cut ties and not speak to and of him again, each try's a failure and each time's a test. How much longer can I still bleed? 

The death of him is the death of my desire- this is not just one of my stupid fights in love or whatever this is. This one's a different one- well they all are, but this person is someone I'd really let myself die and cry about. He has killed me, and ironically I still have not died the legit death yet. I fcking wanna scream and just throw all of the pain I have in my heart! I just want to tell him how much I want to just stop and not feel for him anymore- but no, deep in the depths of my hurt is a heart that still wants to understand, a heart that still will believe all the obvious lies and excuses. Every bit of me would still want to want whatever is left of us.

I need help, I badly need a help out of this sinkhole, I need a way out of this- I've cave in so much I no longer know how to rise up from this. How much more do I need to stomach to finally let go and accept that some battles cannot be won by continuously fighting- I need to realize that this one's a battle that I would have won in if I had only given up from the first sign of defeat. 

This is not the post we just put a conclusion on, in fact this post doesn't need adieu at all. So no- this post will keep going. till the next time I allow him to hurt me again and fool me again- this will keep going unless I get myself to stop whatever it is I do to crazy myself over this asshole. Wait till the next time---- Coz fuckups don't just happen in St. Valentine's Day.

Keep crying it doesn't matter- you don't matter. Sucks to be you.

Wake... Up

Ibuburol ko na muna itong puso ko
Ititigil ko muna ang pagtibok nito
Sumusobra na ang tadhana sa pagsampal
Pagod na ang diwang umangal

Bumalik tayo sa unang bagyo
Nung sinabi niyang "tapos na tayo"
Hindi ko gustong humayo
Pero tangina masaya na kayo

Sino bang nagsabing ang wakas ay sasapit
at labis ipararamdam sa akin ang sakit?
Wala man lang pagbabanta o pagbabadya
Akala ko, akala ko lang pala.

Nawala ka na at nakawala na ako
Kaya siguro nakahanap agad ng bagong sino
Itong tao na akala ko'y mundo
Isa lang palang tula na ang tema ay dulo

Sa di mabilang na pagtatapos at wakas
Bakit tila mas mahapdi ang iyong bakas
Sa relasyong hangang susunod na bukas
Dalawang araw lang ngunit di na ko nakatakas

Pero dahil sadyang bagot at pala hanap
Kaya matapos non sa iba'y mayroong ganap
Di sadya, di sobrang gusto, nakatikim ng sarap
Na maraming gulo at kaunti ang tumanggap

Hindi ako nasabihan
Walang tunay na pagmamahalan
Hinding hindi tayo hahantong sa "walang hanggan"
Alam kong wala kahit ilang ulit mo pa kong balikan.

At ngayon heto nanaman ang tadhana
Nanaginip, natuwa sa mga tala
Ilang beses pang magpapa-gago
Gaanong pasensya ang dapat kong itago?

Hindi ko na kayang tapusin o ayusin
Bakit ang tadhana'y di pa ako kunin?
Ilang ulit mo pa kong lolokohin?
Bakit di mo pa aminin?

Pero pangako ibuburol na muna ang puso
Titigil na ko ng paghanap sa tamang tao
Wala ng santo sa mundong tila purgatoryo
Kaya hindi na muna magpapakanino

Titigil na ko at tatambay dito
Hahayaang bukas sa sarili
ang hapdi ng bawat mga naudlot na "kami"
Ibuburol muna ang puso at saka paghahandaan ang paglibing.

Dito muna ako sa sulok
Kung saan ang hangin ay usok
at gawa sa likido ang bawat tuktok
Dito na muna kahit nakasusulasok.

Quitting Wits that Do not Fit

You want me to quit smoking because it is bad for my health, well here's the thing; you are worst.

This is me realizing that getting into relationships isn't the best route, all this time I was thinking that relationships will save me from myself. I thought that I needed another soul to shadow my brokenness, but I figured that relationships will just break me even more. I got to stop. I need to quit my addiction with owning someone, I need to stop waking up for someone else but myself.

Perhaps I had what we had as a wake up scream. Maybe you weren't what I needed after all. So I will let go, and for the first time I won't wait for your call nor put a hold on my plans just so I can catch up with your slacking in life. 

I don't wish you karma of any sort, I won't curse your name in my thoughts... I will just ... be normal, and everyone knows that's the hardest thing. From this point on you will just be another ordinary person, you will no longer be the sun nor the moon in my life- you will no longer be a  part of me.

How Many Times Can a Fucktard Fuck You Up?

"Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice; haha why did I fucking let you?" 

       You see there are so many things that couldn't have gone wrong if you listened to your instinct; you were ready for the worst, weren't you? Why did you spend more time petting on that one tidbit of hope instead of just waiting for the worst to slap you right where you mostly deserve? Because you are too confident, you are too dependent and more so you are NAIVE! How much heartbreak do you think you can handle hero? It's not like the world will run out of bullshits if you take it all in, bullshits don't cease, they rebuild and reproduce, the more you warn them the more they become eager to set their bullshitness on you, because you are a god-damn idiot who is looking for love in a shithole. 

      Go ahead count the number of times that you have been fooled; count all of the instances where you have made yourself believe in someone else's lie because they sound so sincere. There is no numerical limit to how many times a fucktard can fuck up because that is what he does, that is how he got his brand. Stop clinging on to the idea that one day that specific fucktard will get tired of fucking up and messing around because he is an official fucktard and he'll never ever turn into a sweet custard. 

    So what is the point of writing this? There is none, no point will be taken from this garbaj (garbage) whether you are a fucktard or a retard, a custard, or a muffin; life will fuck you up, love will do worse. Stand up, and sit again you were hurt you deserve a break. Get on a high chair and vent out, tomorrow [later] you will still have to deal with all of the bullshits that surround you, don't let yourself turn into one, stay horrible and live as it is. Don't let it change you. Keep messing up in your own way. ♫ 

The Real Score Please

You don't have to check his Facebook page, he no longer represents you so whatever he does it's on him and you're not accountable to anything he becomes after he left you. Don't text him, you really don't have to. It is pointless to talk about life with him since you guys should be dealing with life separately now. Don't update him about what is happening about you; the main reason he ended you're 3 years relationship should be because he no longer wants to have anything linked to you + he (should) no longer care. 

Stop finding magical reasons why he's suddenly interested to hangout, why he is suddenly affected that there are others who are interested about you, why he holds your hand and kissed you and hugged you tight, why he goes out with you and why he seem to be overly kind and caring once again, do not assume, do not think he wants to get back with you UNLESS he says so, unless he wants to commit again. There may be plenty of reasons but sometimes Love can be faked and you shouldn't entrust your happiness to him again. Remember he's the reason why you want to reinvent yourself. He broke you dear self. Remember that.

I know it feels so damn good that whenever you are together (alone, no audience ) he acts as if nothing has changed, but do not be fooled change is everywhere and if there is one thing that badly needs some progress; it is your journey towards loving yourself and letting him go. I am aware that you still haven't stop holding on to the idea of having him again, but it was long gone. The gods are working on a different stories for each of you now and I know you are not stupid to not spot on the fact that he still flirts around and that there is a 95 to 0% that he will be faithful again- so stop now dear self, let go of the knife that is  continuously stabbing your chance to life away. I know you will not listen. 

You are a stubborn bitch and you just won't listen, I know that dear self but try hard  and touch base with reality.  The sooner you accept it the lesser you get burned, you already have bruises and those are slowly healing, so stop and do not add some more tragedy to your no happy ending story. Stop resuscitating the drowned. I know you will not listen, you don't have to-at least not right away. You can never be on a dream for too long without realizing it's a nightmare.