Please Show me Life isn't All Loneliness

As I stare on the blank space, waiting for words to be typed in- I remember how much pain I have been feeling so far. Dear God please help me, I have been mostly lonely.

I was once told by a fortune teller that my life will get better as I grow older. I have spent seven years after thinking if I have grown older enough. Each year just seems to be worse than the last and I can't almost picture a good life in the future.

I wondered as teardrops fall on my pillow. How come it gets harder to live? How come life gets even harder to live, and how come it's harder for me to breathe?

I am almost about to give up. If I ran off to some place no one can go to yet, will all of these pain still chase me?

I've been seeing a doctor more often, yet everytimeI do,  I feel even more sick.

It's a Happy Day!

Today I set sail in the ocean of my own salty tears. It is hope that fucks you up forever. I hate how much I tried to believe every word you say, all the things you make me believe in. I wonder how much evil there is in people to have the heart to break someone to the bones. I cannot fathom how much a person has break for him to wreck others even more. I seat here over the pile of pain I feel over a person who will not just let me let him go. I tried a number of times to cut ties and not speak to and of him again, each try's a failure and each time's a test. How much longer can I still bleed? 

The death of him is the death of my desire- this is not just one of my stupid fights in love or whatever this is. This one's a different one- well they all are, but this person is someone I'd really let myself die and cry about. He has killed me, and ironically I still have not died the legit death yet. I fcking wanna scream and just throw all of the pain I have in my heart! I just want to tell him how much I want to just stop and not feel for him anymore- but no, deep in the depths of my hurt is a heart that still wants to understand, a heart that still will believe all the obvious lies and excuses. Every bit of me would still want to want whatever is left of us.

I need help, I badly need a help out of this sinkhole, I need a way out of this- I've cave in so much I no longer know how to rise up from this. How much more do I need to stomach to finally let go and accept that some battles cannot be won by continuously fighting- I need to realize that this one's a battle that I would have won in if I had only given up from the first sign of defeat. 

This is not the post we just put a conclusion on, in fact this post doesn't need adieu at all. So no- this post will keep going. till the next time I allow him to hurt me again and fool me again- this will keep going unless I get myself to stop whatever it is I do to crazy myself over this asshole. Wait till the next time---- Coz fuckups don't just happen in St. Valentine's Day.

Keep crying it doesn't matter- you don't matter. Sucks to be you.